I have finally completed all of my undergraduate requirements. Finally! *insert praising hands emoji* I took three classes this summer so that I could complete my requirements and graduate in August.
My goal for the summer was to get all A’s in the classes to bring my gpa back up to a 3.0 (one bad semester and I’m paying for it a year and a half later). I worked my butt off to make sure that I not only had an A, but a good A. I studied and crammed and did all the extra credit I could. Luckily, my hard work paid off. I got all A’s.
Then I looked at my final transcript and saw that I had miscalculated. The three A’s would not bring it up to a 3.0 but…. WAIT FOR IT…. a 2.9. I am crushed.
I worked so hard only to find out that I am still not up to par. Then I started to rationalize with myself, “a gpa score doesn’t define me” “I know how smart I am” My inner confidence began to build and I agreed with myself. I am smarter than that. I worked hard for my grades and that’s all that matters.
In the midst of me going to class over the summer I have also been looking for a job as I had mentioned in an earlier post. When applying for jobs nowadays you have to not only fill out an application, but also do an assessment of sorts where they figure out who you really are.
When I applied for a front desk position at a gym that will not be named there was not only that type of assessment but a timed one as well. I wasn’t too worried; I do things rather speedily anyways.
I opened the assessment ready to nail it when I saw that it was filled with math! Word problems, fractions, and complex (at least to me) equations. I am horrible (no, scratch that) terrible at math! I have only taken one math class in college and I barely walked away with a passing grade.
This assessment was about 50 questions with math equations and grammar problems. I had ten minutes to try and crank it out. I failed miserably.
In failing this test, there went my self-confidence too. I couldn’t even complete a basic math assessment. It felt like a middle school level SAT prep test, and I failed. I am a college graduate, well about to be, and I couldn’t do it.
That assessment was the icing on the cake. I have been extremely stressed out about my future this week and bombing that assessment just made me feel dumb, stupid, and low. I didn’t just feel like that mentally, though. I feel low in all aspects of my life.
Spiritually, I feel low because I can’t remember the last time I went to church and opened up my Bible. Physically, I feel fat and have months to get to my desired goal (and this pizza I’m eating right now, probably isn’t helping). Relationship wise I feel as though everyone is distant from me and putting up a wall or maybe I’m the one that’s putting up the wall.
I can tell deep down in my soul that I am craving something. Craving a close relationship with someone who will listen to me and love me beyond my own capacity.
I keep looking for this relationship or acknowledgment of self in all the wrong places – schoolwork, friends, family, my boyfriend. When the one person who actually wants to have that relationship with me is just waiting with His arms wide, ready for me to come running back to Him.
Lord, I know I’ve been failing in a lot of areas of my life lately, but I don’t want to fail with you.
Not Another Spiritual Blog 